Friday, July 23, 2010

She wasn't there.

Family issues suck. I wish my mom could just love my fiance. We've been together over four years and she still despises him. When I need her the most, the day I found out I was pregnant, she didn't care. She didn't care at all until the day I moved. She wouldn't let us stay with her for a bit to get on our feet. My boss died, not my fault I lost my job, and Justin lost his because his dad moved to Florida. It was so hard, we were starving, we couldn't even afford dog food :( All I know is, that stress is gone, and it's nice to have time to save up for the baby! We needed this. I love Justin, more than anything, and I am truly happy here. Yes, I miss my mom, but I don't want to live there again. The stress was too much. Good night all.

30 Seconds to Mars & Kanye West - Hurricane (with lyrics!)

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Christina Marie invites you to    

Click to give. It's free :)

The Animal Rescue Site

30 Seconds To Mars - Kings and Queens


     I find it hard to think of anything to be sad about. I am tan finally, my natural color is coming back to my hair, Justin and I sex wise has never been better, and Justin and I relationship wise is damn near perfect. I would say the only thing that sucks is how bad I miss my parents and friends in Kentucky. I have no girlfriends yet considering I haven't been out much on my own, not at all really, unless it's walking, which I do every day. I'm down to 135, and when I got here I was 150. Being pregnant, I really need to put on some weight. I actually lied to the doctors the other week a couple pounds so they'd think I've gained weight. 
     I go back to the doc on Thursday, and then I get my 3D ultrasound scheduled, so I'm excited! My nails and hair have never grown this much, a perk to pregnancy, but I totaly have two little stretch marks on my tummy. For my tummy as big as it is, I don't understand how I haven't gained ANY weight. I eat a few times a day, small things, but still, and I non stop drink water. At least my baby is doing good, I heard her heartbeat and it was 148 I think? And she wouldn't quit moving when they looked at her. 
     I can't wait to hold her in my arms, I just  know she's going to be so beautiful, like her mommy, but probably prettier than me. Lord know in her ultrasound she already has my nose and these amazing cheekbones. She's going to be just perfect. I finally got to buy her an outfit :) I can't wait to buy her more! Justin has bought an electronic cigarette, so he's quitting smoking using it. It's a vapor, I think. I'm proud of him, but selfishly I'm more proud that he decided to get amazing at sex. Like AMAZING. That was always our issue, and I guess he just got over it? 
     Idk, if sex and walking really help you go into labor, expect miss Caelin in November rather than December. <3 you all, gotta quit getting distracted and write at least 5 pages of my book.

Monday, July 19, 2010


Well I just finished this book called Sweet Savage Love, by Rosemary Rogers. It was pretty darn good, read it in two nights. I loved the main character, Ginny Brandon, but her dude Steve Morgan is a grade A dousche... almost no redeeming qualities. What pissed me off is I guess when she wrote this, in the early 70's, it was totally cool to show all his affairs, but God help Ginny!  ~spoiler~ She's called a whore throughout the whole book, and even though she gets raped he shows no sympathy. I have written rape in my book as well, but it was just... different, I guess. Although I was graphic, you can feel her pain, and then my heroines love interest, for all his flaws, has quite a lot of good qualities. Maybe in the sequel to her books I'll like him better, but I kept wanting her to end up with someone else! All in all, it kept me intrigued until the end, so as unlikeable as he was, it was really a great, epic adventure! I would say nobody is perfect, and that people love them anyway. As with my characters, you may dislike them at times, but I show the good and bad sides. They're multi dimensional. One day I'll be published and you can see all that :) For now, I need to suck up some courage and query agents again. Getting denied a lot can really depress a girl!

Wednesday, July 7, 2010


Well, I am still writing! I'm gonna try and do NaNoWriMo this november, to give me a good kick in the butt writing wise before my bundle of joy and...well, poop comes! lol. I'm happy these days, really happy, with the exception of a couple random mood swings and my belly growing and starting to get in the way of things, like, say, the doorknob. :( Ouch! Anyway, I found a book I wrote right before I met Justin, I think i finished it when we started dating? You know, it's not bad! Not great, but not bad. It's a cowboy, Harlequin type romance, so maybe I'll see if I couldn't try and get that published under Harlequin, or Mira. As for my vampire book, I can see that being a BIG hit... but my all time favorite book is Fire Over The Sea (I bet someone has that name, I'm gonna be pissed!)

However, a very famous writer I know personally, she's written over fifty new york time bestsellers, told me that you sometimes need to put the one that's gonna sell out first, then, once you amke a name for yourself, you can get that other book published, the one you really love but isn't exactly mainstream. So I'm going with that. Publisher's aren't quite ready for abusive pirates, sadistic serial killers, a murdering sociopath daughter and plenty of cussing, fucking and abuse :) I am a sick, twisted girl.

Another thing that kinda sucks about pregnancy is no rough sex. He's so afraid to hurt the baby! It's not going to! I'm dying here. I love to be choked, love the whole male dominance thing, and now he's so worried about hurting me, we hardly have good sex! Very shitty. I'd say it's my only complaint. :( Am I gonna have to wait till six weeks after the baby to have good sex again? I am happy he cares so much, but it is a mood killer...

"Am I hurting you?"

"No, go harder!"

"I can't!"

Peace for now bitches :)

p.s. Random, but Ian Somerhalder is hot... and I just thought about that ;) So he deserves a mention!

Friday, July 2, 2010

Ultrasound at 15 weeks and 5 days!

It's a girl :)

Well it's a baby girl!!! :)
Caelin Rayne Grossman
Due December 19th, 2010!!

No sleep for me

There is nooo way I'm sleeping. I actually bled some and it's freaking me out. My ultrasound is in like 3 or 4 hours. Everyone tells me I overdo it. Like, I moved the bed, went walking twice, a mile or so each time, and of course had crazy sex,like I always do. But I guess my body is telling me to take it easy. The same thing happened to my mommy, who was amazingly insightful about everything. I miss her, and I miss home. Justin's mom is great but it's not the same at all.
At the end of the day, her daughter is her favorite, which she should be, but even over Justin I think. I know she loves him, but his family has always favored the other two kids, and even their daughter's boyfriend, which I can't fathom why. Justina and I are loved, we're just the more mature ones, the not babied ones, the ones that are fine on our own, the ones that take care of shit last cuz we're FINE, well leaving us in KY proves we're not FINE on our own. Not right now.
Everybody needs help, and though I dread taking help, I'm glad we have this time to save. People here stress me out, though, and that can't be good for my pregnancy, though the chick I live with is always stressed and her baby is about to come into the world just fine. It's a lot better than my parents, just because they're very stressful, but I feel as if my anxiety problem will cause me to be stressed wherever I go. Which is why I wanna see a psychiatrist, but everyone here is so pregidous against them. They are like, "You're fine"... well I'm not FINE. I fucking hate that word. I'm unbelievably stressed, and I think seeing a doctor would help some, especially since I'm insured.
Anyway, I'm completely rambling... completely!!! lol. But I pray that the ultrasound turns out good, and hoping I can chill once I have it! you all, more tomorrow ;)

Thursday, July 1, 2010


Well, tomorrow I go for my first ultrasound, and I’m hoping we get to find out the sex of the baby! I really think it’s a boy :) i’ve gotta drink like 32 oz of water and not pee, lol…

Pretty much this ultrasound is to find out exactly how far along I am. I thought I was 22 weeks, going off my last period, and was relieved to hear I’m more like 16. Tomorrow we find out the exact due date, then I’m doing some test for down syndrome I think?

So wish me luck, I’m nervous. I’m so worried my child will have two heads or have something terribly wrong somehow. Or that it’s dead or something. I know that’s horrible, but I have such bad anxiety, and having this baby is chock full of anxiety! I know I’ll be the best mom, and that Justin will be the best dad, but I’ll feel ten times better when I see this baby is healthy!!

So anyway, I’m just kind of counting down here, only fifteen hours till I go lol. I’m on such a crappy schedule now, since Justin works all day and I really don’t get along with the people awake here during the day. I kinda feel like a loner right now, leaving KY to go to FL was a big step and I’ll feel better at the end of the month when we have my car insured, tagged, have our licenses transferred and all that. Then we can go and make friends. It’s not like we’re not social, it’s just that we’re trapped at the moment.

Anyway, I will be putting pictures of the ultrasound on here when I can, and I’ll let everyone know how it went! <3 you all

Poem :)

I'm Fucking Crazy

Running like crazy,

I heard something behind me.

heart beats eratically,

what the fuck could it be?

I run so fast I lose my breath,

feet lose their grip.

I run because I fear my death,

so my awareness must never slip.

I'm cold, so fucking cold I'm freezing,

my face and hands go numb.

I lose all my breath, I start wheezing,

why the fuck am I so dumb?

In this moment I can't feel,

I have no clue if I exist.

I wonder if this whole world is just an illusion...

I'm fucking insane,

I realized that a long time ago.

I run through the rain,

so icy on my body it feels like snow.

I look at the ducks swimming by,

I join them in the lake.

I swim and swim, I cry and cry,

wondering if this all could be fake.

Finally, I reach land,

I step out, breath the frosty air.

There is your hand,

you take me in, rubbing my hair.

I'm perfectly crazy,

my anxiety is killing me.

I wanna live normally,

I wanna be free.

There was never anything there,

I've come to this realization.

Fear for me lurks everywhere,

but only in my imagination.

You're my savior,

you're my everything.

Yes, I'm crazy,

you make me somewhat sane.

You hold me tight, kiss me,

keep me safe from the rain...

I hear it...

Pattering on the roof.

I look at you, and slowly realize,

I never ran anywhere.

I'm safe.

I'm home.

I'm fucking crazy.

You fucking love me.

The first scene of my new novel

The first scene of my new novel!!

    She was trapped. Her hands were tightly bound, she was blindfolded into blackness, there was a gag in her mouth and her ankles were bruising from the roughness of the rope that was tied them so tightly together. She struggled to stay calm, to think of anything that may make her feel better. She thought of her father, her brother, her friends...
    The car screeched to a halt, and Ariel took a deep breath, dreading to know exactly where she had been brought. She wouldn't get to see however, so she might as well pray for the best. When she started whimpering she felt a hard smack on her cheek and cried out.
    “Don't mark her, The Boss will be furious!”
    “Sorry, I had to get her back for biting me.”
    “She kicked me in the balls, and I'm letting it go.” Another voice chimed in, all males that had captured. She would smile, if she could, at the fact that she had put up as much of a fight as a girl her size could. She was more muscular than she had been, having lost 20 pounds over the past year due to working out extensively with her best friend Danielle, and tanning as well, though that hadn't helped her fair complexion much, simply making her look less like a vampire and more human.
    Ariel was a beautiful girl, even when she'd had the weight on her it looked good. She had been voluptuous, thick, curvy... men had always loved her. She had gone into a depression after her boyfriend had passed away and went on an ice cream and cookie binge, turning down every suitor. Then she had awaken a year later to find she was almost out of sevens. Now she was back down to her threes, never a stick but very small with the exception of her bosoms, which these perverts had ogled while she was tied up.
    In fact, she was getting dressed as she was thinking of the past, having been naked the whole car ride. Now she wished she'd had the extra weight, she could fight better back then. They flipped her around and put some dress of some sort on her, zipping the back and tying the straps behind her neck. They untied her ankles, which made her so happy she thought she'd cry, until she realized they were putting her in heels.
    She was far to clumsy for heels. Oh well, who was she to be picky when she was knocking at heaven's door? Well hopefully Heaven. She'd been a good girl after all. She was pulled out of the car roughly and she stood, ready to kick when one of them bent down and put cool metal on her legs, which seemed to me a chain of some sort. Great, she might as well be in Folsom.
    They yanked her forward and she struggled as much as possible, but damn her, even at her former weight of 135 it would have been no problem for these strong men. She may have not liked her weight, but she had still been small, especially at under 5'4.
    They practically carried her to some mechanical doors, and she soon realized by her weightlessness that they were on an elevator. She was getting good with her other senses. The elevator finally came to a halt, and she was once again dragged somewhere. She listened for any sort of sound but all she heard was silence. The room she was in was cold, freezing in fact, and she felt her nipples harden, and goosebumps rise all over the skin of her body, her legs were shaking.
    Suddenly a man's cold hand was touching her face, causing her to shiver even more, and causing the bruising there to feel better for some reason. Where had he come from? She hadn't heard a footstep...
    “Who did this?” A cold, quiet voice demanded. It was slightly accented in what she guessed was Italian, but it wasn't romantic, it was dangerous.     “I said, who did this?” He said once more, his voice now caressing her. It was so odd. He simultaneously scared her and turned her on... no, it must just be the cold. Yes, that was all that was...
    “I did, sir. She-”
    “Silence!” His calm voice was momentarily loud, and it rang through her body, causing thousands of icicles to prick each inch of her skin. “I said no one put a mark on her.”
    “She bit me! She was feisty, and she was-” He was all of a sudden screaming in pain. Funny, the man hadn't moved. All of a sudden there was a thud on the floor and heavy breathing.
    “Consider yourself lucky. Leave, all of you.”
In one quick moment she was all alone with the stranger that hadn't moved his cold hand from her cheek yet. He took a breath, the first she'd even heard him take, and he then moaned, moving his hand to her own and untying her. She sighed, wiggling her fingers. He rubbed her wrists, soothing them with his ice cold hands. She almost moaned.
    “Did they hurt you?” He asked quietly, and she shook her head nervously. He sighed, taking the gag out and rubbing her chapped lips gently. She gasped at the sensation, and he moaned, pulling back some and unshackling her legs with inhuman speed. She sighed, thinking whoever this was must actually care about her. Perhaps he would help her out of here?
    “I'm... Ariel.” She managed softly, then gasped when he covered her mouth roughly.
    “Did I say you could speak?” He demanded, and she couldn't believe how rude he was.
    “I know your name, anyway. Ariel Alayna O'Connor. You're twenty two. You're beautiful. You recently lost weight. You have a father and a brother, but your mother left a long time ago. You enjoy singing in the shower. Your breasts are natural.”
    At that she gasped. Who the hell was this guy? Some crazy stalker! That was for sure. He pulled his hand away. “Who the fuck are you!” She demanded, and promptly had her long hair twisted into a fist and yanked back, causing tears to prick her eyes.
    “I said, don't speak unless I so give you permission!” He screamed, and Ariel cried out, causing him to growl and pull harder. “Now, you may speak!”

Haha... let me know what ya think, I'm open minded ;)

First off

First off, my name is Christina :) You can call me Chrissy, depploverco, or whatever you wish as long as it's not Chris. I am not a boy, lol. This first blog is about my life, after that you get utter randomness. :)
    I am a writer. I write novels and poetry, as well as short stories and now blogs! I have been writing since I was a four year old, reading novels at two. I was supposed to be some prodigy, but due to my procrastination and moody ways I never quite lived up to that, though I did excel in school and I've written 7 novels fully, with tons of unfinished ones.
     Unfortunately, I have lost many novels, due to a thief who stole my laptop and hardrive. :( Karma will bite them in the ass one day! I have had a lot stolen from me, and have had quite the rough childhood, though no rougher than many others. It also gives me great inspiration.
     I am twenty one currently, April fool's baby, rock music lover, mother to be, and am engaged with my boyfriend of four years, Justin. He is amazing, and my everything. We've had every up and down you can imagine, I haven't been the best girlfriend in the past but I admit it and we're stronger for it. I say we crazy kids just may make it!
     I am a Book-aholic, I absolutely love the Twilight Series and any vampire book, I'm currently writing a vampire novel, which I will post tidbits of on here. :) I am of course hoping to be published, that would be my ultimate dream, to have others love my writing as I do! 
     I have a puppy, a German Shepherd/Beagle mix. I used to have cats, but they wanted to live outside and became alley cats... which they are happy as. I miss them, though. I am a huge animal rights activist, a HSUS member as well as ASPCA. I was a PETA member, but damn it, I'm not gonna be told I'm horrible for eating cheetos! I buy organic everything when I have the money, farm raised, hormone free, humanely treated products. They judge too much. I am against animal abuse,and the Seal Hunt and Cat and dog fur trade are my two biggest causes at the moment! Let me know if you'd like any information!
     Favorite bands? Too many to count! System of a down, Breaking Benjamin, Pink Floyd, Incubus, Disturbed, All American Rejects, Van Halen, Muse and MANY more that will make an appearance here!! I am a rock lover, as I've said, but I love Classical as well. It is great to write to! Also, some Usher never killed anyone. ;)
     At the moment I live with my fiance's parents, which can be rough to say the least. I live with a girl nine months pregnant and I'm terrified of her. Though when she's not pregnant she's not so bad. Her man is more pregnant than her. As for everyone else, they're cool. :) Can't complain, we have time to save up to move out and get baby stuff!
     My parents and I are rocky... to say the least. I absolutely love them, but my mother is very stressful. I moved from KY to FL to get away from her, but I'll never quit loving them. My brother has Autistic tendencies, and I miss him and hope he is doing okay! He's almost eighteen now, which is insane. Plus, their dog is a demon from hell, and this is coming form an animal lover!
    Well, next blog will be an excerpt from my story, then more to come!!